Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
