Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
