About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
