Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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