Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
