i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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