When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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