so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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