You smell like a Billy Joel song
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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