I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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