party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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