It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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