You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
