I looked at my own cervix.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
