I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
