the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
