I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
