I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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