Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How does one acquire holy water?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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