I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
