got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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