remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
