I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
