She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
