If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize