she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
