Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
