I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You are a genius and a whore.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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