Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
All I want is dick and wine.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
