Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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