By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
