This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize