Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
