apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
