I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
