Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
