I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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