he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
