Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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