I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
