You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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