Rock
Scissors
Fuck
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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