you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
