if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
