the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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