Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
