So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize