dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
