When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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