I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize