Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
