My nipple is on Facebook.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
