I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
