WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
