On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Mom said you looked used
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
