Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My dad just said "fuck circus"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
