Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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