just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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